Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Dreams...

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a famous singer. I'm talking - from the womb, folks. Yep, the whole red carpet, eat your heart out, cash flowing out of my ears, adrenaline pumping, crowd screaming, award-winning superstar! In high school, I even applied for the Academy of Dramatic Arts in New York. I thought I'd take a shot at Broadway.
Well, in another pocket of my brain was the dream of one day becoming a mother. When I was in Kindergarten, the teacher had us do an art project. At the top of the paper was written, "When I grow up, I want to be..." and we had to draw a picture. I drew a man and woman in a bed and a crib next to the bed with a baby in it. At the bottom was written, "...a mommy."
Well, if you know me at all, you know I am the mother of FIVE beautiful children. So that part was realized. But, I have always held on to the other dream. I've fantasized about it, dreamt about it, tried to visualize it. I've wondered what my life would have been like had I gone off to New York as planned. Would I have made it? Would I have succeeded? Would it have been everything I thought it would be?
This past Saturday, I was watching the season finale of Private Practice that I had taped Thursday night. I LOVE this show. In it, there is a character who is a fertility specialist and she had accidentally switched the embryos of two of her patients before implanting them. When she realized the mistake, it was obviously too late. She had both patients in her office talking about the situation and she said the most thought-provoking quote that I have ever heard. It was nothing big, but it spoke VOLUMES to my heart. "Sometimes we have to let go of one dream, so that we can fully pursue another one." Wow! So many times, I have taken my children for granted. Of course, I know my children are gifts, but I have been so ungrateful for the ability to get pregnant and to have a family. Shame on me. This family is the core of my being and I cannot imagine any amount of fame would come close in comparison with them. And even if I did become famous now, what kind of life would that be for them? You can't be everything they need when you're on a tour bus in the middle of nowhere making phone calls to say, "Mommy loves you and I'll be home at Christmas." How fair is that??? No, I have not been fair to my kids. This must change. I no longer have the desire to become famous. No longer have the urge to walk the red carpet and have adoring fans scream out my name. No longer have the need for public approval or admiration. I have what I need. Every afternoon, when I walk in the door, I have all the adoration I need. Running to greet me with hugs and kisses are the ones who matter most. The ones who don't care how well I sing. They just want to know that I am there - 100%. And I am. I love them more than anything in this world and I will show them every day that they are all I will ever need.Goodbye, Hollywood! Hello, Motherhood! I'm sorry it took me so long to get here...

3 comments:

  1. Hey, I'll be praying for you....it's gotta be part of a bigger plan. Ya know?

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  2. So will you come sing at The Comedy Catch to my singing shows??? PLEASE!!

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  3. Definitely, Wade!! When and where???

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